Often times couples find themselves in situations where everyone has all the answers to their problems, but they don’t hand out any manuals. Without the manual it’s really hard to ever quite understand how to follow someone’s advice. Imagine if you’re problem was finding a place to live, and your friend told you, “Here’s what you should do…build a house.” That advice makes perfect sense, but it means nothing if they don’t tell you how to build a house. Moreover, what does that advice mean if your friend is homeless? That’s how I see problems in relationships.
“Everybody can tell you how to do it, they never did it.” – S. Carter.
Take for example, pregnancy. Everyone can tell you what they would do if they found out they were pregnant, but nobody but you has to live with that baby. What about domestic violence? Every woman is quick to say you should leave him, but what are you supposed to do when your heart tells you to stay and forgive? And lastly, when your significant other cheats on you, what should you do? Everyone says leave, but when your heart tells you to stay and forgive what do you do?
A lot of couples are able to work through cheating through therapy. There are life changes that must be made, but I’ve seen it work when both parties in a relationship were dedicated to making the relationship work. In my opinion, it’s because not all cheating is the same. Cheating is cheating, I do not doubt that, but what I’m saying is that there’s always a reason for why anything happens. Identifying the reason why someone chooses to be unfaithful can sometimes let you know whether it’s possible to reconcile and continue in the relationship.
Cheating is different at all stages of your life and relationship. When you think about cheating in high school, it wasn’t that big of a deal because relationships only last a couple of weeks, an advisory if you were lucky. Most people blame cheating in college on “hey, it’s college.” When you leave college things are a little different. The way you deal with cheating changes. Most unmarried couples will most likely call it quits if they haven’t been together for a year before their partner is double dipping. It becomes increasingly more complicated for married couples once children and finances are involved, the decision to split over infidelity isn’t so simple.
After twenty years of marriage and three kids a woman may step outside of her marriage to find excitement in life because the passion is gone. Dissolving that marriage can lead to a long legal process of settling two estates and not to mention a custody battle that can drag on for years. Or the couple may choose counseling to identify why the woman cheated and ways to prevent it from happening again. Can a man be man enough to put away his pride to save his family?
Are all mistakes created equal? Are some sins unforgivable? Some of us take our vows at the altar of a church, are you as forgiving as your God? When does cheating go from being a mistake to being a pattern? Does anyone really believe that someone can be addicted to sex? What about an eye for an eye? Does it balance the scale if you are allowed one night of infidelity too?
I always recommend that couples write down all the things that their relationship means to them. What it gives them and what they give in their relationship is important. Write down what makes a relationship and write down what breaks a relationship. When you get to a topic like cheating, you have to ask yourself, “Is it worth giving it all up over cheating?” If a relationship is a body, and sex is like a leg, should I kill myself because I broke my leg? I’m just putting it out there, but to some couples cheating may be the heart. Some people view cheating as a violation of trust and others view it as sex. Each couple has to make that decision for themselves.
The only thing I would advise couples against is making decisions too quickly. Relationships take years to grow and develop, a one night stand lasts just a few short minutes. Deciding to call it quits because someone cheated may feel like the right thing to do at the time. But in the long run, you’re going to have to resolve those feelings of pain and hurt of being cheated on anyway. Choose carefully if you want to do that alone, know that when you’re done you’ll have to deal with the pain of losing a partner too. I see people make the wrong decision all the time because of pride and ego, they end up unhappy and bitter. They end up alone.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Why We Cheat: The 80/20 Rule
It is easy at first with all the excitement of the chase, the mystery surrounding your love interest and the escalating sexual tensions. But after a couple of weeks, months or years you might begin to question...Are they the one? But before your eyes wander too much, think about the 80/20 Rule and see if your relationship is measuring up.
The 80/20 Rule is simple. In a healthy relationship, you get about 80 per cent of what you need/want from your partner. They are caring, respectful and share a lot of the same interests as you, but then you meet someone who catches your attention for an unknown reason. It may well be because they fulfill the missing 20 per cent in your relationship – namely the sexual component. Because that 20 per cent has been missing for so long, you quickly conclude, “Hey, this person has everything I am looking for in a partner.” This can be a relationship killer. Since you jump genitals-first for this new interest, you may have given up your 80 per cent loving partner for a 20 per cent fling. The regret automatically sets in.
During the good times in a loving relationship, the other 20 per cent doesn’t really matter because you don’t notice it missing. You are content and fulfilled with your partner. Your 80 per cent feels like 100 per cent. When you are in an argument, however, because your partner is too messy or something petty, then the 20 per cent is tossed into the limelight.
This isn’t to say that you should stick with the current, thankless partner. You might only be getting the 20 per cent in the relationship, anyway. In this case, if you are truly miserable, maybe you should shop around. The point is to look at your relationship and really question if something substantial is missing. If this is the case and you feel unsatisfied, then move on and find someone who can offer you more. Remember, a key element to any relationship is honesty – not just to your partner, but yourself.
The 80/20 Rule explains some of the mysteries of relationships. It makes sense why cheaters go after the 20 per cent while trying to hold on to the other 80 per cent. The relationship crush (when you are in a loving relationship but have a crush on the local barista) often manifests because you see the other 20 per cent in the crush. And even the “players,” who jump from one 20 per cent adventure to another in a vain attempt to eventually equal 100.
If your relationship is going through a rough patch, think about the 80/20 Rule. Before switching partners, be careful since you might be giving up more than you think. First look at what you have instead of focusing on what is missing. Just remember, don’t throw away a good thing for a piece of new ass. We don’t need the divorce rate to inflate anymore.
The 80/20 Rule is simple. In a healthy relationship, you get about 80 per cent of what you need/want from your partner. They are caring, respectful and share a lot of the same interests as you, but then you meet someone who catches your attention for an unknown reason. It may well be because they fulfill the missing 20 per cent in your relationship – namely the sexual component. Because that 20 per cent has been missing for so long, you quickly conclude, “Hey, this person has everything I am looking for in a partner.” This can be a relationship killer. Since you jump genitals-first for this new interest, you may have given up your 80 per cent loving partner for a 20 per cent fling. The regret automatically sets in.
During the good times in a loving relationship, the other 20 per cent doesn’t really matter because you don’t notice it missing. You are content and fulfilled with your partner. Your 80 per cent feels like 100 per cent. When you are in an argument, however, because your partner is too messy or something petty, then the 20 per cent is tossed into the limelight.
This isn’t to say that you should stick with the current, thankless partner. You might only be getting the 20 per cent in the relationship, anyway. In this case, if you are truly miserable, maybe you should shop around. The point is to look at your relationship and really question if something substantial is missing. If this is the case and you feel unsatisfied, then move on and find someone who can offer you more. Remember, a key element to any relationship is honesty – not just to your partner, but yourself.
The 80/20 Rule explains some of the mysteries of relationships. It makes sense why cheaters go after the 20 per cent while trying to hold on to the other 80 per cent. The relationship crush (when you are in a loving relationship but have a crush on the local barista) often manifests because you see the other 20 per cent in the crush. And even the “players,” who jump from one 20 per cent adventure to another in a vain attempt to eventually equal 100.
If your relationship is going through a rough patch, think about the 80/20 Rule. Before switching partners, be careful since you might be giving up more than you think. First look at what you have instead of focusing on what is missing. Just remember, don’t throw away a good thing for a piece of new ass. We don’t need the divorce rate to inflate anymore.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
"Men Rules" - Women need to learn these
*Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
*Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!
*Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
*Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
*Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
*Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
*We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
*Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
*Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
*Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
*A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
*Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
*If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
*If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
*If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
*Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
*You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
*Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
*Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
*The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
*ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
*If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
*We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
*If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
*If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
*Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
*Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
*BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
*Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!
*Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
*Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
*Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
*Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
*We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
*Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
*Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
*Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
*A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
*Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
*If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
*If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
*If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
*Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
*You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
*Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
*Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
*The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
*ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
*If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
*We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
*If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
*If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
*Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
*Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
*BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
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